i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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