My boss' voice literally gives me gas
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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