there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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