when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
