One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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