I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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