You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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