I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
