im about as happy as oj after his trial
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
