There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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