Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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