Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
