The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
