So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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