you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
