Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
