It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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