that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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