My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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