I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
You peed on a flamingo?!?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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