I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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