OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
