You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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