Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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