my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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