I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
