I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
We need to get me chipped asap
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
