I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
The best revenge is premature balding
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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