remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
