the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
