I wish I could teleport
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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