Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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