please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize