I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize