I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
