I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
