wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Randomize
