I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize