I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
