the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
