toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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