Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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