yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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