The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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