he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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