My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
