Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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