I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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