I met the friendliest cop last night
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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