Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
