just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize