thus making me awesome and them whores
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Randomize