She is in my trunk
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Randomize
