If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
