I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
there's paper in my vomit.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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