I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
