God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
