How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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