I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
