Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
