is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize