Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
