my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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