On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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